7:30am- ???- less than a quarter of a Little Debbies cherry pie

feelings:  I don't like the cherry filling, so I only ate around the edges, which taste like a glazed donut.  Stacey is out of town for the week, and left these behind and I think that I will probably leave the rest for him because they are gross.

11am- ???- craisins and string cheese

feelings:  I'm  just not that hungry today so far.  But I brought some snacks to work with me, including craisins and string cheese.  I also had pop tarts here, but I just wasn't craving them this morning.  I could really have gone for a high-protein breakfast today, like an omelet with a side of sausage or bacon.  It's almost 11:30 now and I am starting to get hungry for lunch.  Feeling pretty neutral about today's eats so far.

11:45am- lunch: lean pocket, carrot sticks, pita chips

feelings: Feeling pretty positive today, though I do kind of want to binge tonight.  I think it's just that closet eating mentality that I have when home alone.  It just sounds like so much fun to stuff myself silly while binge-watching some random Netflix show.  But I need to remind myself that I have tons of healthy food to eat this week.  Maybe a bag of popcorn while watching Y&R and then cooking a healthy late-night dinner.  Must find healthy alternatives to binge-eating.  Had a serving of pita chips and a box of craisins, and still have half of each left.

3:15pm- snack: craisins and pita chips

feelings:  Leftover from lunch.  Yum.  Busy day at work.  Have hardly had time to breathe, let alone think about food.



TO BE CONTINUED...

7-8am- breakfast: too many pop tarts

feelings:  I ate four pastries in my car.  I don't know why I did this.  EXCEPT that I am freaking exhausted for lack of sleep last night.  I can't wait for Stacey to get a car!!!  Picking him up late at night when I have to work the next morning SUCKS.  Now I'm 800 calories in the hole (DAMMIT BRAIN STOP COUNTING CALORIES!!!) and it's not even 9am.  I felt really shitty about this food decision until I stepped back and asked "why" and realized that I was exhausted.  My body and brain were craving sugar and caffeine (or... sleep.).  Time to just drink some coffee and some water, and to listen to what my body says next.

12:30pm- lunch: chicken and dumplings (chef-boy-ardee type bowl); handful of pita chips, tablespoon or so of guac

feelings:  This felt like the right amount of food, but I'm craving a salad still.  I'm going to have salads next week!  Salads............................... with creamy dressing and something crunchy on top (not too much).


TO BE CONTINUED...

7:30am- breakfast: pop tarts

feelings: I ate these on the way to work because I woke up hungry!  No guilt about it, feeling neutral.

8:30am- snack: wheat thins

feelings:  I was still feeling hungry, so I poured a serving of these into a bowl and ate at my desk.  I don't know why I'm so hungry today.  Need substance.  Need to start bringing in healthy leftovers for lunch every day, instead of beefaroni and tuna salad kits and hot pockets...

10:45am- snack: cookie

feelings:  First of all, I don't know what these are called... They are tube-shaped cookies from Pepperidge Farm...?  I ate one of them with my coffee, and may eat the other three that I grabbed later today.  Again, super hungry today... and again, I have NOTHING healthy at work.  You know what's crazy though?  I am craving healthy things today.  I want a salad tonight, to go with my leftover salmon!  I have no money though, so I will have to settle for cooked vegetables...

12-1pm- lunch: beefaroni, tortilla chips and guac

feelings:  I probably ate a bit too much, but it felt okay at the time.  I really need to stop counting calories in my head!!! I can't seem to stop though.  I know that I've already eaten about 1500 calories today.  Yep.  I know it.  I need to stop worrying about it, and just continue to listen to my hunger signals while living my life.

2pm- snack: cookies

feelings:  Yep, I ate the remaining three cookies (tube-y thingies that taste like cookies) that were on my desk.  I really think it was a case of "they were there!" not "I was hungry!".  I need to figure out some healthy breakfasts, lunches, and work snacks.  I want to have a healthy week before the end of the year, dammit.  I think it has to be next week.

6pm- snack: popcorn

feelings:  None.  Neutral.

8:30pm- dinner: salmon and spinach

feelings: Super healthy and delicious!!!  I feel like I may have finally figured out "home alone work day" evenings: Eat a snack when I get home, and then cook a later dinner.  "Home with Stacey work day" evenings: Start cooking as soon as I get home and ready, then eat a snack before bed.  Huh.  I like it.  Now I just need to figure out breakfasts.

8:30am- breakfast: chocolate chip cookie

feelings:  This was an office leftover from a bunch of soft bakery goodies that a coworker brought in.  I told myself that if there were any left today, I would enjoy one for breakfast.  And there just so happened to be a cookie left!  It was either this, or a chocolate chip cookie pop tart, so really I think it was okay.  I brought a banana with me to work, so I think that I will enjoy that in the next hour or two because I think that the odds of a single cookie keeping me full all morning are slim.  But feeling neutral about the choice.  It tasted really good.

11:15am- snack: banana

feelings: Okay, so this was my first banana this week and it tasted pretty good.  I challenged myself to eat a banana a day this work week, but I'm fine starting today.  Feeling positive about the decision. 

12pm- lunch: pita chips and rf wheat thins with guacamole, half slice of cake

feelings: I love eating chips and dip as a meal, especially when I don't overeat.  I'm not sure if I overate or not, but I probably had 20 pita chips and 10 wheat thins and a quarter cup of guac.  It felt okay at the time; did not feel like too much.  I guess I feel neutral about it.  Sipping coffee now.

4:30pm- snack: quarter of a biscotti

feelings:  Another office treat.  Didn't taste very good, which is why I didn't even half finish it.

8:30pm- dinner: salmon, steamed veggies, cous-cous

feelings: This was amazing, but I was STARVING by dinner, so I almost immediately ate a snack.  Anyway, it was so good and I felt amazing for eating such a healthy feast.  Stacey was home, so he also enjoyed it. 

9pm- snack: popcorn

feelings:  Nothing like watching In & Out with some popcorn.

meal planning - week of 12/08

Monday:

breakfast- pop tarts
lunch- tuna salad kit
dinner- fast food with Stacey
evening snacks- popcorn and pudding cup

Tuesday:

breakfast/morning snack- pop tarts, banana
lunch- beefaroni
afternoon snack- carrots and celery
after work snack- cottage cheese and fruit
dinner- beans/rice/veggies/evoo bowl
evening snacks- popcorn and pudding cup

Wednesday:

breakfast/morning snack- pop tarts, apple
lunch- chicken and dumpling cup
afternoon snack- chips or wheat thins
dinner- chicken nuggets and vegetables
evening snacks- popcorn and pudding cup

Thursday:

breakfast/morning snack- pop tarts
lunch- chicken salad kit
afternoon snack- yogurt, banana
dinner- beans/rice/evoo bowl
evening snacks- popcorn and pudding cup

Friday:

breakfast/morning snack- pop tarts, banana
lunch- beefaroni
afternoon snack- carrots and celery
after work snack- cottage cheese and fruit
dinner- beans/rice/veggies/evoo bowl
evening snacks- popcorn and pudding cup

Saturday:

breakfast: oatmeal w/ banana and pb
lunch: frozen meal and veggies
dinner: crock pot chicken meal
evening snacks- chips and dip (NO BINGE!!!)

Sunday:

breakfast: eggs and bacon, toast
lunch: leftover chicken
dinner: beans and rice
evening snacks- chips and dip (NO BINGE!!!)

8:30am- breakfast: pop tart

feelings: Yep, I'm not going to let a shitty weekend stop me from enjoying my pop tarts this week.  For some reason, I bought two boxes so I have enough for breakfast all week long.  Apparently this is going to be a pop tart week.

10:30am- snack: half of 2nd pop tart

feelings:  I got hungry, but then got busy so I only ate half and plan to bring it to lunch with me.  Feeling positive.

12pm- lunch: tuna salad, guacamole, crackers, small cookie

feelings: feeling neutral about this lunch.  Didn't end up eating 2nd half of pop tart.  Throwing it away.  Feeling positive about throwing away part of a pop tart.

3:30pm- snack: mugful of tortilla chips

feelings: feeling neutral.  Eating in response to hunger, nothing more.  I am going to go ahead and write a meal plan for the rest of the week, this time including the weekend, since I did so much better on days that I had a plan for some reason, even if I didn't follow the plan at all. 

7:30pm- dinner and dessert: McDonald's #1 and a pudding cup

feelings: physical pain an hour later, but no emotional pain so I guess it's a win?  I remember now why I don't eat Big Macs...  This pudding is amazing.  It's the JELLO brand, dark chocolate mousse, no sugar added.  DeLISH.

note about the weekend:  It was a crazy junk food mess of a weekend.  Friday night I ate a bag of chips and a thing of dip... Saturday I ate an entire Digiorno pizza (but not much else...)... Yesterday I ate another bag of chips with some salsa (but again, not much else all day).  I have no idea why this weekend was such a crazy binge weekend.  I was very "in my head" all weekend long, feeling shitty about life and my body and hearing those old ED voices telling me that I am not good enough, that my life sucks, and that if I don't lose 100 pounds (or at least 50, for fuck's sake!!!) by my wedding date, I am a failure at life. 

7:30-8:30am- breakfast: granola bar, yogurt

feelings:  I ate the bar on the way to work at 7:30 and felt neutral about it because I was hungry for the entrie thing.  Feeling positive about the day ahead.  Ate yogurt at 8:30, mostly because it was there.  I love this yogurt; It's Yopliat Whips so it tastes more like mousse. I still have the banana to eat, but I probably won't.  I used to freaking LOVE bananas, but now they bother me.  I can never find a "perfect" one anymore.  They are either not ripe enough or have bruises (I can't stand bruised bananas).  This one looks okay though, so I will maybe try it if I get hungry before lunch.  I must say that I just don't get it.  I want to go back to oatmeal and bananas in the morning. 

9:30am- snack: 3/4 large banana

feelings:  Only 3/4 because of giant disgusting bruise at the end of it, but also a good thing because I'm totally not hungry anymore.  It was pretty good, but I have to say that my palette is just not used to raw fruit anymore except clementines (the only fruit that I have always kept around even in my weight gain/binge years because it tastes like candy!).  I think that I may need to start introducing raw produce back into my diet despite not craving it anymore, to help my palette readjust.  I seem to only crave junk food and binge-worthy things, but I am convinced suddenly by this banana experience that -- You know what, I'm going to blog about this.  Suddenly I have lots of thoughts on the subject.

10:30AM- WTF I TOTALLY JUST GAVE MY CARD TO A COWORKER WHO IS GOING TO GET FOOD FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS IT AND TOLD HIM THAT I WANT A CHICKEN TENDERS BASKET.  WHY DID I LOOK AT THE MENU???!!!  NOT ONLY SHOULD I NOT EAT THIS TYPE OF FOOD EVER BECAUSE I'M TOO FAT, BUT I ALSO DON'T HAVE MONEY TO THROW AROUND LIKE THIS. HOLY SHIT I'M STUPID.


12pm- Lunch: chicken tenders, fries, tiny piece of cake

feelings: Okay, I calmed down and now realize that it's okay to eat this.  I'm not too fat or stupid.  Geeze I never know when that ED voice is going to come back, do I?  It rears its ugly head every now and then, and that last entry was one of those moments.  Anyway, I ate to satisfaction, putting one of the tenders and half the fries in the fridge for after work.  I ate a very small sliver of leftover baby shower cake as well, and kind of regret that, since it was after I put away the food, so I was only eating it because I wanted a sweet, not because I was actually hungry.

7pm- binge: 3/4 bag of Ruffles and canister of dip & a brownie

feelings: Yeah... this was a binge of sorts.  I feel a little gross.  BUT.  But, it was going to be worse.  I have a pizza in the freezer that I had planned to make after the bag of chips.  I really wanted to binge. I stopped eating when the dip was gone, even though there are more chips.  I'm not  hungry at all so I am skipping the pizza.  I don't really know what triggered this binge, but I have been feeling a little out of control lately.  Stacey is out of town all weekend and the house is a mess.  Plus the holidays are coming up and this one will be Shitty Christmas 3: Blended Family Awkwardness.

6am- pre-breakfast: cereal bar

feelings: Meh.  This was an attempt to wake up and also because I was bored and waiting on Stacey.

8:30-9:30am- actual breakfast: yogurt and granola bar

feelings: Very satisfying and I still have half of the granola bar and a banana left if I get hungry before my lunch break.  Feeling positive about the next few days because Stacey and I have been getting into stupid little tiffs every day lately and he is out of town for a few days.  Usually I am sad about this but I think that I need some alone time at home, especially tonight because PETER PAN LIVE!!!

12pm- Lunch: leftover baby shower stuff.  Pita chips with spinach dip, piece of pizza, very tiny slice of red velvet cake

feelings:  OMG YUM.  I brought beefaroni but this was way better.  Now I want chips and dip for lunch every day.  Probably a bad idea.  Anyway, I'm worried that I'm going to talk myself into stopping by a grocery store on the way home to buy junk food for tonight.  What I really want to do is cook a delicious bean, rice, and veggie dish and enjoy it fully while watching Peter Pan.  But sometimes, being home alone and knowing that Stacey is going to be gone for a couple of days gives me the perfect excuse to binge eat.  So I'm worried.  But hopeful.  I think that keeping this journal up is really helping me, and it's only been a week.  I'm glad that I started this blog.  I think that it will really help me to notice patterns of my overeating and binge eating, as well as help me to see other cues.

4:15pm- snack/early dinner: slice of thin crust pizza

feelings:  I was suddenly hungry, so I ate a piece of the leftover pizza.  Neutral about this.

7-10pm- Peter Pan snacks: 3 cereal bars and 2 1oz baggies of chips

feelings:  I didn't feel like cooking.  Those cereal bars are apparently binge-worthy.  I enjoyed Peter Pan Live so super much.  No guilt about these snacks.  Feeling neutral.  Didn't overeat today at all; was hungry for everything I ate.

10-11am- Breakfast: pop tarts

feelings:  Yes, I ate both pop tarts again, and no I don't feel badly about it.  I need to accept that if there are pop tarts nearby, I will not be eating something else for breakfast unless someone has made me pancakes with peanut butter syrup (a family tradition) or it's the day after my birthday (in which case I will eat a piece of cake) or Christmas morning (generally reserved for sugar cookies and candy).  I love pop tarts.  I love sweets in the morning.  Semi-annually I crave eggs or meat for breakfast, but generally when I wake up I want something sweet.  I ate one tart at 10 and another at 11.

1:30pm- Lunch: Lean Pocket and wheat thins

feelings:  Lunch was spent running errands, so I ate this at my desk.  It was pretty tasty, and I feel pretty neutral about it.  I forgot to grab my carrots and celery, so that will probably be my afternoon snack today instead of part of lunch.  That or yogurt, because I have one in the fridge here.  Anyway, neutral feelings.  Satisfied.

4:30pm- Snack/Early Dinner: baby shower foods! Small slice of pizza, handful of pita chips, a few cheese cubes, about 6oz red wine, 1/2 Bud Lite (gross, but it was Mom's favorite beer and the only beer at the party), two 1/2 pieces of cake (one red velvet, one ice cream)

feelings:  Yeah, kind of a junky meal, but it was delicious, and I didn't overeat.  In fact, I actually snuck a picture of my leftover cake because I was so proud that I stopped once I realized that I wasn't hungry at all anymore.  I just enjoyed my co-workers' company and had a good time.  I originally felt like shit because my gifts were shitty compared to everyone else's (I am clearly the poor muggle in a crowd of financial wizards) but they are such kind people that all I heard was genuine thank you's and oohs and aahs over my measly gifts from the crowd.  I love my coworkers.

9pm- snack: cereal bar and 1oz baggie of chips

feelings: I totally just wanted something to snack on while I watched YouTube before bed. 

6:30am- granola bar

feelings: This was pure energy.  I was freaking exhausted because I woke up an hour earlier than planned...  This was to stay awake while driving.  Wasn't hungry.  Felt justified eating though, because I was way too tired to drive otherwise.

8-10am- Breakfast: 2 pop tarts

feelings: I ate one at 8 and the other at 10.  I was actually hungry both times, but I am feeling some guilt because all I've eaten today is junk. 

12pm- Lunch: beefaroni bowl, celery and carrot sticks

feelings: I ate with my fun co-workers, and I ate the noodles very slowly.  This is one of my favorite work meals, because I am able to eat it slowly enough to spread it out over 45 minutes or so.  I don't know why I can't do this with other lunches.  Drinking coffee now.  Feeling satisfied with my lunch choices and happy with my day, but a little frustrated about a tiff that I had with Stacey this morning.

7pm- Dinner/snack combo: leftover chicken mixed with broccoli and rice, with a side of cottage cheese and fruit.

feelings:  I definitely waited too long between eating, because I was starving by this time.  This was really tasty.  I'm getting really good at heating up leftover meat and making a meal out of it with some veggies, grains, and spices.  I cooked the chicken with some cream of chicken soup and vegetables a couple of days ago in the crock pot, and added some broccoli and rice to it, and the result was delicious!  I feel proud of myself for cooking dinner two days in a row.  Perhaps I'm learning a new routine of cooking when I come home from work.

8pm- snack: ice cream

feelings: I ate this pretty shortly after dinner, so I'm confident that it wasn't hunger eating.  It was taste eating.  I wanted something sweet!  Two scoops and done.  No guilt.

9pm- 1oz bag chips

feelings: Again, taste hunger.  I wanted something salty to finish my day with.  No guilt, but I'm unhappy with this decision because my stomach hurts.  Tomorrow I will try to stick with the meal plan better.

10am- Breakfast: 1 pop tart

feelings:  This morning was crazy at work, so I wasn't even hungry until 10, when usually I eat as soon as I sit down at 8.  This was a pretty good breakfast, but only because it only had to last 2 hours.  I was hungry at noon.

12:20pm- Lunch: lean pocket, 1 serving rf wheat thins, carrot and celery sticks, tiny m&m packet, teeny 3 musketeers

feelings: Besides the candy, all was planned, and it was good.  The candy was brought in by a coworker and was a nice ending to my meal, but I do feel a little guilty about eating it.  Other than that guilt, I feel happy with these decisions, and I don't feel like I overate, even though I ate everything on my plate.

3:30pm- Snack: 1 pop tart

feelings: I decided to definitely wait and see if I got hungry before eating this, planning to possibly eat it on the way home from work.  But I got hungry at 3:30, so I went ahead and ate the 2nd pop tart.  This is still one of my favorite foods ever.  I have found that any food that I keep at work, I eat in moderation.  This goes back to my closet eating issues, because I almost never overeat in public.  I don't have the desire to overeat, and especially don't have the desire to binge eat, unless I am alone.

7:30pm- Dinner: leftover turkey mixed with green beans, onion, cous-cous and evoo

feelings: This was really ridiculously good.  And I'm officially done with the turkey meat!  I was super satisfied with a bowlful of this leftover meal.  I also feel good about myself for cooking.

9pm- Snack: chips and a snack cake

feelings:  I wish that I had just drank some water and gone to bed.  Wasn't hungry.  Feeling guilty and kind of gross.  It wasn't a binge, though.  Just a snack.  One portion of chips and one snack cake.  Could have been worse.